Wailing Wall

Why do I keep seeing strange lights in the sky at night and in the morning. I know YOU didn’t make them, so what the hell are they? You only made the Milky Way, so there shouldn’t be any extraterrestrial life. Please use our holy government officials to explain to me that the floating, sporadically-moving objects are merely weather balloons or aircraft in the middle of the country.
Here’s one dollar, God. Go buy yourself a Snickers bar.

Dear Lord,

May you exist, and really be pissed about all the things done in your name, and cast the religious into the darkest pit of hell, while elevating to heaven those who used the gifts of rationality you gave them. For that would be some Holy Irony.

Amen

Dear God,

Please let me win the lotto so I may buy the land behind my house before they build another church on my street.

So, does this mean if I don’t donate my prayers don’t get answered?! Son of a bitch! No wonder Catholoshitsm didn’t work for me! If I’d have known I had to donate, I could’ve been a millionaire superstar CEO celebrity by now! Sorry about that Father Shamon!

Dear God,

Would you mind sending your daughter next time? Your son, handsome as he was, just doesn’t do it for me, you know, down there…

Oh Lord, please help me get it up. I consumed too much of thine produce of the barley. My cup runneth over, but thy dick rouseth not. May ye also protect my fellow heathens from the scourge of Whiskey Dick or Wine Clam. Provideth tumescence to thine childrens’ phalluses and clitorises. With this I beseech thee through thine son, the undead risen Lord, the waterskier who requireth no skiis, the Middle-Eastern David Blaine who performs magic tricks, thy son – Zombie-Christ. Amen.

Oh Lord, please reveal your son’s secret to six pack abs. Amen.

Hey God, it’s Job. Remember me? I’ve been reincarnated. It turns out the Hindus are onto something. Anyways, I found a book called The Bible and was quite intrigued to find that You had conspired with Satan to cause all my suffering purely out of Your own egotism. Not cool. You haven’t heard the last of this, not by a long shot, you imaginary psychopath. Consider Yourself warned.

Please lord, give me a sense of peace. I really need it!

God, grant me the wisdom to add a photo to my profile on godswillministries.com, the serenity to not backhand fundies, and the power to hump Sarah Palin half to death. In Jeebums name we pray. Amen.

Dear God, protect me and my family from your followers, amen

Dear God,

Every day I make a determined effort to completely fuck something up because only You are perfect. I love you with all my soul.

Dear God,
Grant me the ability to control the minds of Utero Americans. Also, I would really appreciate it if you would tell Jesus to hurry up and respawn. I want to punch that guy in the face. Fuck Magic.

Oh Imaginary Sky Friend, please grant me my prayer. Make prayer a useful exercise. I know that praying for something to an omniscient, omnipotent god with a perfect plan for all of us is arrogant presumption, besides being either redundant or futile. I know when I pray for something outside the plan I’m saying you made a mistake and should change your plan just on my say-so, and that the answer will be “no” so it is futile. I know that when I pray for something within the plan it is redundant and I am double checking your work by asking if an all knowing deity thought of something I think I am bringing to your attention. Its just that the whole “all knowing all powerful” thing makes prayer such a pointless endeavor. So I pray you will make at least my prayers worth the trouble.
Finally, I also know that you are required to grant me this and any other prayer I offer up pursuant to the gospel of John, chapter 14, verse 14. Thank you in advance for this and the larger penis that I requested the other day.

Dear God Please make a wire transfer to my account in the amount of One Hundred Quatrillion dollars or I will assume you do not exist…and bitch, make it snappy

Let this website start making products…id buy evry shirt!!! Amen.

Please let our church prosper. Peace out

Please let me beat the piss out of Dan tomorrow in our weekly golf match. Keep my ball safe from all hazards and guide it to its final resting place, safely on the green. Keep the Devil 3 Putt away from me. Amen.

Dear god please smite the republican presidential candidates and distribute their wealth to the poor, for they are bastards and must be destroyed. In your name amen.

Let my first donation to godswillchurch help them find a powerful voice to deliver the true message to the masses. Amen.

Please make the Super Bowl end in a tie, and demonstrate that
you can answer Everyone’s prayers and No one’s prayers at the same time.

Please God – can you remind Mitt Romney that Joseph Smith was a felon, a fraud and a paedophile. And that he became a polygamist after his wife (Emma) discovered he was shagging (whoops just gave away my nationality) their 14 year old servant. He went upstairs and came down and said – ‘guess what!? God wants me to have multiple wives!’ ‘Oh well thank God for that’ said Emma, ‘I just thought you were a manipulative evil genius who stole someone else’s story and rebranded it as the Book of Mormon’.

Amen.

Please help Tim Jizzwell not be such a retard.

Please help me start my my break dancing school for latch key kids. Just think of all the moms with low self esteem.

God please give me a new motorcycle. I really need one!

Please, let me penis grow to a normal size!