Godswill Ministries

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!!!

Brother Woody — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Crazy megachurch evangelist preachers are amongst the most hilarious homo sapiens .

This guy has been watching way too much Flintstones while reading his bible, I guess it makes

sense to meld the two stories. All of us know the dangers of faith healing, its just about as effective

as wishful thinking. Watch this guy heal with the power of jeebus/bam!

Know Thy Enemy – Judaism

Brother Kramer — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

A religion, a race of people, an enigma, these are all terms applied to the Jewish. They all work when applied to this interesting band of people, who though small in number have contributed much to the world. They have made their presence known for 5772 years according to their calendar. They date themselves back to the day when their leader, Moses negotiated their way out of the country by pulling some nasty tricks on the Pharaoh.

Moses sent a plague of insects, arranged to eliminate first-born Egyptian kids, and did some snake tricks that convinced the Egyptians that they had had enough of the Jewish. Pharaoh told Moses to take his people out of Dodge, the sooner, the better. So off he went with his group of tribesman in tow searching for the promised land. During their journey, a number of unusual events occured. Pharaoh apparently had a change of heart about letting them leave. It was similar to the plight of current day Californians, who after getting rid of alien workers found there was no one left to do their dirty work. So, lo and behold, Pharaoh sent his cavalry out to retrieve them.

Moses led the Jews to the edge of the sea, parted the waters, then escorted the tribes through the pathway. When the Egyptians followed, the seas close behind them and drowned the troopers. So began the unsettled relations between Jews and other people of the area that continues to this day.

During the course of the journey to the unnamed promised land, Moses climbed up a remote mountain and returned after a month or so with the rules of the game that god or one of his masons had carved on a couple of stone tablets. He called them commandments and told his followers that god had chosen them to follow these laws. This was the basis of Judaism. The tribes must all have been liberals who proceeded to introduce many add-ons, entitlements, rules and conditions to the original 10 laws. The new ad-ons covered most aspects of their lives, especially kosher diets and forbidden food like pork. Clever Jews soon found ways around the laws by calling pork, “bacon.”

In any event, Jews settled in a land they called “Israel” and made the most of their new homeland. Who needs oil? The Jews went on to discover chicken noodle soup and pastrami on rye. They learned to fiddle on roofs, and even with their limited gene pool, gave the world Albert Einstein, Seinfeld, and bagels.

Some Jews went on to grow ugly black beards with long curly sideburns. This group is known as Hasidics. They can be found bobbing in front of the wailing walls of the temple in Jerusalem. Other Jews went on to become doctors and lawyers, and then to marry shiksas to show off to their friends.

Masturbation and Social Issues

Sister Mary Motherfucker — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I need to get out and meet more people but no matter what i always seem to be in a situation where i make just enough money every month to sit on the couch and masturbate daily.
I thought about praying but realized that that was stupid. what should i do sister mary motherfucker?

sincerely,
lonley and broke.

Dear Lonely and Broke.

If you are skilled at being lonely, being broke and compulsive masturbation you should join the priesthood! Those are the top job requirements other than a supernatural ability to suspend your sense of disbelief in the face of radically absurd bullshit. The rewards are many, including free meals and all the altar boys you can screw once you get your own church!

But, if that life isn’t for you, I’ve got the perfect solution. You can set up one of those web cams and charge people to watch you jack off on your couch! This way, the disease becomes the cure! And, you’ll surely make a lot of new friends!

And, alas, if neither fits the bill then there is one more thing to consider. Your lack of funds and time spent on the couch both tell me that there may be a real lack of motivation on your part. That couch time could be spent doing low or no cost things around other people. Or, that time could be spent earning more money. Or, that time could be spent learning new skills so that you can make more money and still have free time. Now that last option would also put you around other people and allow you to expand your social network.

So what will it be my child? Lonely, depressed and broke or using that time in a positive way to make your situation better?

In Love and Grace.

Sister Mary Motherfucker

Feeding kids to the wolves

Reverend Duncan — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 17:58:07 +0000

Talk about putting a wolf in charge of protecting the chickens! What other organizations get to police and enforce laws amongst themselves? According to this article more than 14,000 people have received abuse settlements in Ireland exceeding $1.6 billion! And, to make matters worse those payouts have primarily come from tax dollars instead of from the church!

DUBLIN (AP) —” Pope Benedict XVI has been “relentless and consistent” in seeking to oust child abusers from the priesthood worldwide, the pontiff’s new American envoy to Ireland said Sunday in his first homily here.

Archbishop Charles Brown, a 52-year-old Manhattan native and veteran Vatican insider, was making his first public address since officially taking up his post as Irish papal nuncio three days ago.

“From the beginning, Pope Benedict was resolute and determined to put into place changes which would give the church the ability to deal more effectively with those who abuse trust. … Pope Benedict has been relentless and consistent on this front,” Brown told worshippers and diplomatic guests at a service at Dublin’s Pro-Cathedral.

The first-time diplomat faces a delicate repair job in Ireland, a traditionally Catholic nation that has seen Mass attendance plummet in line with nearly two decades of pedophile-priest scandals.

Last year Prime Minister Enda Kenny accused the Vatican of overseeing a cover-up culture that encouraged the rape of children. The Vatican took two months to issue a legalistic rebuttal that sidestepped its refusal to help a series of Irish state-ordered investigations.

Ireland then closed its Vatican embassy but insisted this was purely a cost-cutting measure, a claim widely disbelieved in Ireland since the country’s ongoing struggle to stave off national bankruptcy.

Dublin Archbishop Diarmuid Martin, widely considered to be Ireland’s most reform-minded Catholic leader, told reporters he expected that Ireland and the Vatican would compromise on arrangements to open a new, cheaper Irish embassy in Rome. Ireland still operates one embassy in the Italian capital, but the Vatican insists that countries fund completely separate diplomatic facilities.

Speaking to reporters outside the cathedral, Martin said he was confident that the Vatican would permit Ireland to open “a leaner embassy” that is separate but on the same site as Ireland’s Italian embassy.

In his homily, Brown reiterated the Vatican’s longheld line that its leaders have never obstructed Irish efforts to identify and punish several hundred child abusers in parishes and religious orders.

Brown noted his own 17-year work as an official of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the powerful Vatican body that enforces church policies — including the removal of pedophiles from the priesthood. Benedict, then known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, oversaw the body from 1981 until his promotion to pope in 2005.

“I speak from my own experience when I tell you that Pope Benedict was scandalized and dismayed as he learned about the tragedy of abuse perpetrated by some members of the clergy and of religious congregations,” Brown said. “He felt deeply the wounds of those who had been harmed and who so often had not been listened to.”

Ratzinger in 2001 was responsible for a new church edict ordering bishops worldwide to forward all known abuse cases to the congregation, so that offending priests could be more effectively defrocked under terms of the church’s own canon laws.

But that and several other key church messages, including the pope’s 2010 papal letter to the Irish people, have ignored accusations that Vatican policies discouraged Irish bishops from telling police about crimes. To this day, official Vatican policy remains ambiguous on the matter, stressing the need to observe the church’s own rulebook.

A decade of Irish fact-finding commissions into the scandals has determined that church officials did not tell police of any crimes until the mid-1990s and only because Irish abuse victims had started to sue the church, challenging decades of Irish deference to church authority. One bishop was found to have continued to cover up crimes as recently as 2008.

The Vatican refused to respond to letters sent by Irish investigators seeking access to the church’s secret files on abuse cases in Rome. The Vatican later said it couldn’t respond because the investigators had failed to file their information requests through the Irish government.

More than 14,000 people have received abuse settlements in Ireland exceeding euro1.2 billion ($1.6 billion). The payouts have been funded largely by taxpayers rather than the church, another source of continuing church-state tensions.”

Copied from a news article here.

Killer Phone Apps For Christ

Sister Bia — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 16:00:56 +0000

I love technology, and always have. When I was younger a trip to Radio Shack ranked somewhere above going to the movies and below getting a new Lego set for Christmas. Many of my formative years were spent dissecting abandoned appliances and tinkering with whatever new gadget I could convince my father to purchase.

However as much as I may love technology, this love is tempered by fear. We’re not talking healthy respect, like, “I have a healthy respect for what this shotgun can do in the wrong hands.” I mean, nail biting, heart racing, palpable fear. Which is why an article like this scares the ever loving shit out of me.

Never mind the Cylons, the greatest threat to humanity may be in your pocket right now. And no, as threatening as you may wish your thingy is, it’s your cell phone I’m talking about.

According to multiple news sources Siri and other software assistants have been found guilty of denying users access to information on subjects like abortions, and returning racist replies to certain questions. Apparently your iPhone believes in the sanctity of life, which I find surprising given the vacant far away stare you get from most of their users.

Alright alright… maybe this sounds sensationalist, and well maybe that’s because it is. But that’s the world we live in right now. The money-grubbing-hyped-up-politico-machine and anyone (cough everyone cough) with an agenda have created this atmosphere. Which is half the reason I drink myself into merciful oblivion every night. The other reason? Nightmares.

These recent reports of racist and sexist mobile phone apps it turns out are just hype. According to Apple CEO Tim Cook:

“Our customers use Siri to find out all types of information and while it can find a lot, it doesn’t always find what you want. These are not intentional omissions meant to offend anyone, it simply means that as we bring Siri from beta to a final product, we find places where we can do better and we will in the coming weeks.”

In all seriousness this is actually the most likely and reasonable explanation. What users of Siri and similar software have experienced isn’t a product of agenda as much as user error and shitty programming. I for one will sleep a little better tonight with this understanding, but only tonight. Tomorrow is another day, and with how quickly technology is developed there’s no telling what we can expect.

We are close approaching a world where artificial intelligence is a reality. Long before that however it’s likely we will see not only more sophisticated robotics but also increasingly integrated technologies. Technologies we rely on for a myriad of functions ranging from applications that can provide directions like Siri, to cars that drive themselves.

In a future where technology is interactive and our devices tailor themselves to the user a question arises. What are we going to teach that technology? How will our biases, beliefs, bigotries, and behavior shape the devices we interact with? What can we expect?

Racist cola machines that sell only grape soda based on predictive technologies? It’s possible.

Sexist doors that insist on opening themselves for women? Wait that’s a bad example.

Well how about robots hunting and killing anyone who they believe may be a sinner? Yeah, shits getting real now huh?

You see it’s not robots deciding humanity is flawed that you have to worry about. Secular robots are logical robots. It’s when you program them, much like children, to think like us that we have a problem.

So go ahead, buy your smart phones, with their voice recognition software and predictive technologies. But when you find yourself at gunpoint, pinned by heel, under 300 pounds of steel… And all you can comprehend through the tears and pounding blood is a voice, a thick, mechanical, Austrian voice demanding, “come with me if you want to live… eternally,” you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Classic Christian Meltdown!!!!

Brother Woody — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

It seems many religious people like to make noise. Our subject is no exception. While in a

coffee house, this woman demonstrates how incoherent, racist, violent and absolutely hilarious our

religious friends can be. If only I could be so lucky to experience this. Enjoy!

What it REALLY Means to Be an Atheist

Brother David — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

I don’t claim to know an over-arching “Meaning of Life”, but I do operate under the understanding that life should not be lived under the pretense that it is simply a “test” propagated by an invisible, intangible, Creator-God. And it should not be spent identifying with religious traditions and organized groups that, historically, have been at the root of oppression and violence. Our precious time on earth should not be spent attempting to justify unbelievable acts of cruelty, death, and disease as a part of “God’s Plan” or the greater good- and clinging to ancient texts that preach ill-concealed bigotry and sexism.

Instead, we should find ways to make this life happy and satisfying, without regard to the unknowable nature of an afterlife. After all, as Marcus Aurelius once said, “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” In the Christian tradition, according to John 14:6 and other biblical passages, a requirement for passage into Heaven is that you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior. Would a truly fair, merciful, and just Creator really condemn those individuals who have never heard of Jesus in order to accept him? Or even those of us who have heard the name Jesus Christ- yet see no physical or historical evidence to warrant belief? Shouldn’t it be enough to simply be the best person you can be? According to the Christian Gospel, the answer is simply- and firmly- “No.”

What makes you think your God is the right one? There are thousands of proposed gods and goddesses with similar stories and myths that supposedly link them to reality- the Judeo-Christian God is no exception, and each canon has its fallacies and contradictions that we have outgrown scientifically. I do not believe in any gods, devils, angels, talking snakes, ghosts, vampires, or any other supernatural beings. That does make me an atheist, but it is not how I’d identify myself foremost. I simply utilize scientific evidence and common sense to form opinions based on the best information I have, without relying on traditional and familial influences to make my decisions.

Religion has been used in order to accomplish an infinite number of goals throughout history, from oppressing women and lower-class citizens to justifying the most brutal of wars; but the reason for the existence of religion is, in almost all cases, as a crutch for providing an explanation for the otherwise inexplicable. A cause which we, as modern humans, have little-to-no use for; scientific discoveries have shown us how to earth came to be, how humanity evolved from our primitive ancestors, where the sun goes at night, and how viruses spread- leaving little room for the outdated religious explanations for these so-called “phenomena” and “miracles”.

All-in-all, I’m not one to dispute the therapeutic value of spirituality; but those who claim to need religion in order to cope with the realities of day to day life- or to justify their morality- could not be further from the truth. In fact, for those people, a religion may provide a sense of well-being in an otherwise overwhelming world- but it rarely leads people to solve their problems, it often only encourages them to leave these issues to the mystical higher-power and dodge responsibility. While this tactic may give the appearance of resolution to the believer, it is hard to justify such an action in light of the loss of individual accomplishments and spirit. It is when the principles of religion begin to be taken too seriously, to the point of extremes, that it becomes no longer therapeutic but harmfulto society- when man begins to act on God’s behalf and shifts priority from the important issues of the known temporal world to the faith-based belief in the next.

[This post is republished from www.DavidGMcAfee.com. ]

Real Scientist Makes Deepak Chopra Look Like an Asshole

Brother Woody — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:00:00 +0000

There are very few people I despise more than Deepak Chopra. He convinces his impressionable

followers of pseudoscience and makes millions in the process. Cal-Tech theoretical physicist

professor Leonard Mlodinow just so happens to be in the audience and brings the crowd back

to reality.

Know thy Enemy – Pentecostals

Brother Kramer — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

Pentecostals are perhaps the most entertaining and most unusual sects among many other weird Christian groups. Look under the Big Top for a glimpse of their freak show. You’ll often see them hold services in circus tents, which couldn’t be more appropriate. Pentecostals and the pick-up trucks they arrive in, encompass many variations, or better yet, many deviations of Christian charismatic “worship.”

One of the most intriguing and entertaining worship practices of some Pentecostals is snake handling. Literally! Not little rubber fake snakes … real live poisonous snakes. No bull! It’s their way of proving they have faith, in what, we’re not real sure. They wrap them around their necks, put them in their mouths and do a lot of things that border snake abuse. As a precaution, some of the less than true believers have venom antidotes available just in case the snake loses his faith in the middle of a service.

If you have ever seen the movie, “Deliverance” it’s the kind of people portrayed in the backwoods who invented and continue to develop the Pentecostal tradition. You can recognize them by the number of teeth they have (between 3 and 4), and by the shape of their heads (pointed). They often attend their tent-revival, worship events as a family group consisting of a mother and her husband/brother, and a number of siblings with their pregnant 1st cousin/wives or sterile husbands. They are a close knit bunch of half wits. They are often found at Tea Party gatherings preaching against the heresy of evolution. Observers claim that the family interrelationship may be at the root of the mysterious practices and ceremonies.

Another exciting part of their demonstration of faith occurs when they work themselves into a delirious state of uncontrolled emotion, then shake uncontrollably, while rolling and thrashing about on the floor. This is no doubt the origin of “Holy Rollers.” Some believe it to be some form of devil worship, or a desperate dance to shake off the flea infestation they contracted from their hounds.

Those too old or incapacitated will often revert to praying or speaking in tongues other than their native language (deep drawl). The belief here, catch this, is that if they make enough weird sounds and vocalizations, some of the sounds will actually combine miraculously and form a prayer in a long forgotten language, once spoken somewhere, by someone, some place on earth. It’s a preferred way for the majority of these people to pray because they don’t know enough real words to come up with a real prayer.

The Pentecostal groups originated in the hills of Tennessee and the hollows of Kentucky. The British evangelist, Dr. G. Campbell Morgan once said that the practice of the Pentecostal faith was “the last vomit of Satan.”

Ask Sister Mary Motherfucker!

Reverend Duncan — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:00:22 +0000

Sisters and Brothers! For those times when “Dear Abby” just ain’t gonna cut it, I give you Sister Mary Motherfucker!

She’s tough as nails, she won’t take shit.

With her trusty ruler, your knuckles she’ll hit.

She loves the lord and she loves altar boys.

Judging and punishing are just a few of her joys.

She curses like a sailor, she can kill with her stare.

Go ahead, ask her for advice.. if you dare!

Click here if you’d like to ask Sister Mary Motherfucker for her words of wisdom!

The good sister is already receiving mail, you can see her first response here.

Help a Horny Housewife

Sister Mary Motherfucker — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:00:42 +0000

Dear Sister Mary Motherfucker,

I have recently encountered a dilemma that i believe only you can help me with.

In the past, I have had no need to masturbate and I know that it is a mortal sin in God’s eyes but for the life of me I can’t seem to stop! I am unable to go without it at least three times a day, since that is what I was used to having with my ex. In the shower, in the public restroom with my purse buddy, even at the gym on the leg extension machine (sounds strange but it works wonders!)

What can I do to keep from committing this sin over and over again? I feel guilt but it is not as strong as the urges I can’t seem to suppress!

Help me, Sister Mary Motherfucker! What can I do??

Sincerely,

Horny and going to Hell.

Dear Horny and Going to Hell,

I had to meditate on your letter for a while. Firstly because it gave my dusty ole toy box a jump start. And secondly because I couldn’t right away figure out exactly what the problem was. I’m really old and miss my sex drive. Oh goodness, I could hump the shit out of some altar boys back in the day! And don’t even get me started on the education I gave to many a young nun! Meeeoooow! So reading of your struggles with your libido was a little confusing and I’ll admit to feeling some envy.

But back to your issues dear. The only problem I can see is that you feel badly about it. With all of the shame about sex that is rampant in religion, it’s no wonder! God gave you your magic button, you can push it anytime you damned well please! As Reverend Duncan so often tells us, so long as everyone involved is an adult and they consent to it, there isn’t anything wrong with sex. The only hell is the one you are putting yourself through with all that guilt! Lighten up and enjoy it while you’ve got it! And, you’ll keep yourself all tuned up for that next lucky partner you find.

In love and grace,

Sister Mary Motherfucker.

“Tastes Just Like Jewish Sin”

Brother Bad Chad — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:00:38 +0000

In order to prepare for Yom Kippur, some Jewish families ritualistically transfer their “sins” to a chicken by waving it around their head 3 times. This practice is called Kapparos. They then slaughter the chickens and donate them to needy families. Nothing tastes better than a sinner chicken at a pre-Yom Kippur feast. Mmm mmm good. People often complain about the inhumane treatment of the chickens, but I just take the opportunity to get a good laugh at the douchey Jewish guy waving a live chicken around his head whilst reciting what sounds to my American ear like gibberish. The lesson from this, brothers and sisters, is this; Next time you see a “will work for food” person, get him some McNuggets. Be sure to wave the bag around your head 3 times while he is cleaning your car windshield. Voila, you are sin free and have added some delicious sin flavor to your needy new friend’s meal. In case you were wondering, Brother Bad Chad has indeed “got a lot of chutzpah.” I’m sure Michelle Bachmann would agree.

This kind of animal cruelty in the name of superstition really makes me sick.

–Rev. Duncan

Golden Facebook Oldies – Pocket Altar Boy

Reverend Duncan — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

And the next installment of our Golden Facebook Oldies – The Pocket Altar Boy!

Today I give you the Pocket Altar Boy for the catholic priest on your xmas shopping list. With soft, supple skin and a vibration unit to simulate a child shaking in fear and humiliation, it’s sure to ignite the predatory passions of even the most chaste clergyman.

Even the pope was driven into a bishop polishing frenzy the likes of which haven’t been seen since his time as a Nazi when he got to beat jews with a six foot crucifix.

Buy today and we’ll include a free six ounce bottle of genuine little boy tears! Many priests find that the taste of it really takes their orgasms to a whole new level of excitement.

It’s all the fun of being a legally untouchable child molester with none of the frustrating hassle of having to be moved to another church where nobody knows you!

Buy Today!

Golden Facebook Oldies – Jackhammer Jesus

Reverend Duncan — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:16:26 +0000

Another stroll down memory lane with early Godswill Ministries Facebook posts.

Forged in the fires of hell by god himself, the Jackhammer Jesus may be the most potent sin purging device ever created. Sending quivers of anticipatory fear through wrong-doers orifices, it was sent forth to pound the evil out of sinners everywhere. HIS cup runneth over and the Jackhammer Jesus stands ready to bring the word of god with two fisted wrath to those who have earned it!

Golden Facebook Oldies – Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Reverend Duncan — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:51:40 +0000

In an effort to keep true to our roots, I wanted to share some of our early godswill Facebook posts with our newest Brothers and Sisters.

Brothers and Sisters! If you are stuck figuring out those last minute gifts for the gluttonous holidays – I give you the Baby Jesus Butt Plug. Now you can carry the lord in your heart AND your ass to make doubly sure that the pearly gates will be open to you when your demise comes. Lube up and love the lord in a whole new way!

Ahhh, the mormons..

Reverend Duncan — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:00:22 +0000

Those wacky mormons are an endless source of amusement. From magic underwear to jesus visiting America to multiple heavens and earths. The entire premise of their bullshit religion was the basis of one of the best episodes of South Park ever made!

Go to Hell Bitch

Brother Razi — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 16:00:00 +0000

Modern Muslim apologists claim Islam isn’t anti-female. They claim the news reports of honor killings and the statistics about spousal abuse are overblown. They claim that, in modern developed Muslim countries, women are granted equal rights, and it is only in primitive “backwater” countries where women are treated badly. They explain that Islam itself doesn’t demean women, it is individual countries with distinct traditional and cultural norms that leads to the mistreatment of women. We have all heard that Islam is a “religion of peace.” A mantra repeated by ignorant news reporters in fear of not being Politically Correct.

This kind of apologist depends on one thing: a Westerner ignorant of Islam’s actual texts.

In future articles we will examine the violence of the Qu’ran and hadiths. There is special rewards for jihadists, and even special gates in heaven reserved for the entrance of jihadists. We will also examine the reward of heavenly virgins (Houri), particularly in the hadiths.

This article though, will give just one example of the view of women in Islam. There are many examples, and we will share more later, including the history of the Nikah al-Mu’tah (temporary marriage, AKA religiously legal prostitution), the tired Qu’ranic “wife-beating verse” (4:34), and the rampant problem in some Muslim countries of old-ass men marrying underage little girls – after all Muhammad’s wife Aisha was 6 when they married, and 9 when Muhammad (piss be upon him) fucked the shit out of her. But for today let’s consider one of my favorite hadiths for demonstrating Islam’s view of women:

The first one is an exegetical explanation of the Qu’ran. In surah/chapter 2 (“The Heifer”) verse 282 Muhammad was “revealed” instructions for Muslim legal matters. There it says:

“And get two witnesses, out of your own men, and if there are not two men, then a man and two women, such as you choose, for witnesses, so that if one of them errs, the other can remind her.” (Qu’ran 2:282 translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali, published by Tahrike Tarsile Qu’ran Inc.).

Other than being a run-on sentence with way too many commas, this Qu’ranic verse clearly shows that two women are required because, it is apparent, that women are forgetful.

The hadiths of Sahih al-Bukhari go further (“sahih” means reliable/authentic, al-Bukhari is the compiler’s name):

Muhammad “passed by the women and said ‘O you the assembly of women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women).’ They asked, ‘Why is it so, O Allah’s Messenger?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you.’ The women asked, ‘O Allah’s Messenger! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?’ He said, ‘Is not the witness (evidence) of two women equal to the witness of one man?’ They replied in the affirmative. He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn’t it true that a woman can neither offer Salat (prayers) or Saum (fasting) during her menses?’ The women replied in the affirmative. He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her religion.’” (Bukhari hadith no. 304).

There you have it. The deficiencies that god (allah, whoever/whatever the fuck) himself built into women, mean that more women are condemned to hell than any other being. Other hadiths say that women outnumber men and even evil Jinn (yep, genies) in hell. Modern scholars have used these texts to justify laws, deny women rights equal to those of men, and promote an inferior view of women based on supposed intellectual and physiological deficiencies.

For you Jews or Christians chuckling to yourselves, don’t be so smug.

The Hebrew bible allowed the owning of (and option to later marry) female slaves. Daughters could be sold as slave-wives to other men (Exodus 21). Jewish targums indicate that the daughter to be sold must be under the age of 12. This means under-aged female daughters were only allowed be sold as slave-wives. Only Israelite slaves were released during the Jubilee (non-Israelite slaves were slaves forever and even inherited by a dead master’s children), but these under-age Israelite slave-wives were exempt from being released since they were legally considered wives.

On slavery in general, the New Testament never condemns it, rather it encourages it (it also encourages you to be nice to your human property). Paul even returned a slave (Onesimus) to Philemon with instructions, not to free the slave, rather to treat him kindly.

When it comes to women in the New Testament, they are commanded to keep their mouth shut in church (1 Corinthians 14), they are also commanded to be in subjection and be obedient to their husbands (1 Corinthians 11:3, 7-9; Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Timothy 2:11, 14; Titus 2:4). Further, women were inferior and not allowed any role of responsibility in the Church (1 Timothy 2:12). When comparing orthodoxy to orthopraxy, in historical practice women were treated by Christian males as horribly as they were according to whatever societal norms were in place in the ancient world – and biblical texts only supported such a lesser role.

The right to divorce your wife was granted to men, but no divorce rights were granted for the wife, since women were essentially property in the ancient world (Deuteronomy 24). Of course, according to the words attributed to Jesus by the gospel authors, Jesus claimed divorce was immoral (Matthew 19:19). He did this by quoting Genesis, and saying Deuteronomy was bullshit. In doing this, Jesus set the precedent for modern Christians, who routinely cherry-pick whichever verse validates their particular denomination’s belief on a given topic. This behavior was routinely observed by a cultural anthropologist performing an ethnography of Evangelical (Methodist, Baptist, Calvinist, etc) bible study groups (Bielo 2009).

There is also the capture of underage, virgin, little Midianite girls as sex slaves after their families were murdered by the Israelites (Numbers 31:17, 18).

Extramarital mistresses, or concubines were common and allowed (Genesis 16:2,3; 25:6; 30:4; 35:22; 1 Chronicles 1:32, 2 Samuel 20:3 and several other verses). Polygamy was common and allowed (Genesis 31:17, 2 Samuel 12:11, just to name a few). Women were not allowed male concubines, male sex-slaves, nor multiple male husbands – women were the property of men.

Biblical patriarchs were allowed to visit prostitutes, but prostitutes were supposed to be executed. Judah, mistaking her for a veiled prostitute, fucked his daughter-in-law. When someone told him she was a whore, he demanded she be “burned alive!” She survived in this fable, but the Pentateuch is rife with anti-female laws and a disgusting view of female sexuality contrasted by a permissiveness toward male sexuality.

Christian Puppet Show! Great Job!

Brother Woody — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:00:01 +0000

Just try and make it through this video!

David Liebe Hart is one crazy bastard. Prior to working on [adult swim]‘s Tim and Eric, Hart

produced the Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson series on LA public access. If you’re going

to try and make it through the entire thing, get a good buzz going prior to viewing. Enjoy!

God and Happy Endings

Reverend Duncan — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:00:28 +0000

So, I went to visit my favorite massage place to have a really cute asian woman walk on my back for a while. That shit hurts, but in a good way. As I’m laying there I’m praying to the fictitious god that this will be the time that she’ll be inspired to throw a happy ending my way. The massage place is legit, and so is the therapist. But that doesn’t stop me from praying for it anyway.

As the 90 minutes comes to an end, I’m both relaxed and a bit wound up. I felt like god had let me down because the therapist didn’t show the slightest indication that a tug to go with my rub would be in the cards.

On my drive home, as I sat wondering if I had any porn with someone in it who looks like her, I decided I had a bone to pick with god.

“God, I prayed and prayed and yet that beautiful woman never came closer than about four inches from my junk! Why hath thou forsaken me?”

“Reverend Duncan” the good lord replied “I have not forsaken you. I just happen to know that your masseuse never once today had a dream in her heart that she could meet a 40 something bald guy with love handles and jerk him off.”

“Oh holiest of holies, surely you could have planted a seed of desire so that things would turn out to the benefit of your humble and very hard working servant!”

“Nay Reverend Duncan!” said god unto me “Contrary to what the dip-shit christians want to believe, I don’t grant magical wishes. If you really want her to be interested in you, I suggest you work out, learn cantonese and perhaps go to charm school.”

“That’s very white of you G-Dog.” I mumbled “But I’m wondering if maybe it’s just more than your super-powers can do.”

“Reverend Duncan” replied the lord “We both know that I’m a figment of your imagination. What the fuck do you want from me?”

“A happy ending” I replied.

Amen.

Touchdown Jesus is on Fire!

Brother Woody — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 19:55:12 +0000

Great story of Jesus burning! Rumor has it that the insurance company wouldn’t cover it because it’s an act of god!