Dearest Gay- First of all, the fact that your religious family would disown you over such a small thing as sexual preference really chaps my leathery hide. I might understand if you were a rapist, catholic priest, murderer or deceitful con man…but for being gay? Such persecution by the religious is disdainful and, frankly, pathetic. [...]

My Dear Pastafarian, Just to clear things up… There is no Heaven and there is no Hell.  Your actions, while making you look like a complete putz in front of your coworkers and most likely offending every catholic (bonus points!) you came into contact with, could never offend the imaginary Creator in the sky.  Walking [...]

Dear Cleavage Lover- I will be happy to send you some risqué pictures of my ample bosoms if your “friend” chooses to delete you.  Which she most likely will.  Of course, I’d be expecting the favor to be reciprocated… You can’t simply replace the value of our ministry.  But  you can replace your fickle friend [...]

Dear Brother Jeff- As much as you may desire to please your false deity, I highly recommend choosing to please your neighbor instead, as he has much more power over your happiness than your god.  God doesn’t leave flaming bags of dog excrement at your front doorstep but your neighbor just might if you continue to [...]

Dear Concerned Granny, My first thought is that the mom could be pimped out in order to raise enough money to provide her daughter what she needs. My second thought is that this little girl should be in a home that cares for her, full time.  If you’ve done all that you can to bring [...]

Dear Hater. First just let me share that I’ve been on this earth for many years and have met many people.   From that multitude of encounters I’ve learned that what you are feeling is completely normal.  As a rule people are little more than dumb animals doing what they were trained to do by [...]

Dear Lonely and Broke. If you are skilled at being lonely, being broke and compulsive masturbation you should join the priesthood!  Those are the top job requirements other than a supernatural ability to suspend your sense of disbelief in the face of radically absurd bullshit.  The rewards are many, including free meals and all the [...]

  Dear Horny and Going to Hell, I had to meditate on your letter for a while.  Firstly because it gave my dusty ole toy box a jump start.  And secondly because I couldn’t right away figure out exactly what the problem was.  I’m really old and miss my sex drive.  Oh goodness, I could [...]