I have recently encountered a dilemma that i believe only you can help me with.
In the past, I have had no need to masturbate and I know that it is a mortal sin in God’s eyes but for the life of me I can’t seem to stop! I am unable to go without it at least three times a day, since that is what I was used to having with my ex. In the shower, in the public restroom with my purse buddy, even at the gym on the leg extension machine (sounds strange but it works wonders!)
What can I do to keep from committing this sin over and over again? I feel guilt but it is not as strong as the urges I can’t seem to suppress!
Help me, Sister Mary Motherfucker! What can I do??
Sincerely,
Horny and going to Hell.
Dear Horny and Going to Hell,
I had to meditate on your letter for a while. Firstly because it gave my dusty ole toy box a jump start. And secondly because I couldn’t right away figure out exactly what the problem was. I’m really old and miss my sex drive. Oh goodness, I could hump the shit out of some altar boys back in the day! And don’t even get me started on the education I gave to many a young nun! Meeeoooow! So reading of your struggles with your libido was a little confusing and I’ll admit to feeling some envy.
But back to your issues dear. The only problem I can see is that you feel badly about it. With all of the shame about sex that is rampant in religion, it’s no wonder! God gave you your magic button, you can push it anytime you damned well please! As Reverend Duncan so often tells us, so long as everyone involved is an adult and they consent to it, there isn’t anything wrong with sex. The only hell is the one you are putting yourself through with all that guilt! Lighten up and enjoy it while you’ve got it! And, you’ll keep yourself all tuned up for that next lucky partner you find.
In love and grace,
Sister Mary Motherfucker.
About the Author
She’s tough as nails, she won’t take shit.
With her trusty ruler, your knuckles she’ll hit.
She loves the lord and she loves altar boys.
She curses like a sailor, she can kill with her stare.
Go ahead, ask her for advice.. if you dare!
I’ll go you one better Sister Mary, it’s not only good for this sister to be ‘tuned up’ but also and maybe even more importantly to be able to tell her future lovers what she likes. Every gal is different in how that thing works, I swear to god/gods/godess/godesses/anysupernaturalentities that if we were intelligently designed that button would work the same on all makes and models, but NO not even close.
I’ve driven a number of different models in my day and let me tell you, the ones that had a clue as to how things worked were much more enjoyable than those that didn’t!
Amen Sister