God didn’t use a condom, why should you?

Where would we be if God had used a condom? Just imagine, at the moment of the big bang if all of creation had been trapped in a monolithic prophylactic and flushed down the black hole from whence it came? Could there be any clearer message that God wants you to have down and dirty, unprotected sex than to make all of creation one big metaphor for His bareback balling? I think not.

Unprotected sex is obviously a part of God’s plan, just take STD’s for example. Why else would one drunken mistake with a Tijuana transexual turn into a lifetime of debilitating punishment, other than because God hates you? Let’s face it, if you commit a lifetime of sin, you face God’s wrath. God has only traded in his fiery hand of vengeance for your fiery piss of despair.

Even more importantly, all these diseases kill millions and millions of people every year, and with the Earth so overpopulated, syphilis is just God’s way of saying he’s concerned. Which brings me to my next point: God wants us to have lots and lots of babies. After all why would God give raging sex drives, poor decision making skills and virtually no education to so many of his sheep unless He intended them to inherit the Earth?

However, let’s be clear, once those children are born it’s survival of the fittest. His Prophets in Washington D.C. speak of the evils of providing food, shelter or basic medical care for all those children. And if, for some reason, you think He has a soft spot for kids, just ask the Pharaoh. But, not all those in Washington are so pure of heart. There are godless heretics who spread the evils of Satan’s sleeves, and other far more unspeakable means of interference in God’s plan. Just recently lawmakers became God’s Law-breakers by requiring some religious employers health plans to pay for the evils of contraception.

How, in a country of supposed religious freedom can it be that our hospitals and schools should be forced to provide something that only 98% of sexually active Catholic women use?  How can we trust our Doctors to be clean of mind if we cannot see it by his lack festering blisters? Can we believe our nurses when they say it’s their first sponge bath, when their expertly applied latex gloves betray them? And, most terrifyingly, are we to leave our children in hands, that in times gone by would have been kept clean only by the fear of God’s burning, itching judgment? I do not know the answers to these questions my Brothers and Sisters. But for myself, I shall live as God intended, with lots of love for my fellow man, and nothing will come between that.

Amen!